Fear and loathing in SLC

What I’m about to say definitely falls under “Among other things”, so bear with me. As I sit here at my laptop, I find myself clenching my teeth even though my temples already hurt from too much teeth clenching over the last few days. I try to be conscious of this, but since I have the attention span of a 3-year-old, I quickly forget to stop doing it, and well, I drive myself mad by this silly behavior. I am in total panic mode over losing my job. I’ve never lost a job before; I’ve always left on my own volition. I’ve survived layoffs and firings, I’ve survived office politics, of which I try stay out of but there are people who manage to involve you in shit you have done your best to stay out of. I’ve survived being outsourced, after being with the same company for eleven years. And now I believe that the goings on in the market last week have put an end to this long run of good fortune. This isn’t good for a control freak such as myself. Bad timing too, because I weaned myself off of my meds and am feeling weird and vulnerable anyway, so this uncertainty couldn’t come at a worse time. I realize there are worse things in the world than losing a job, and in the back of my mind I know that it’ll be a blessing in disguise given the fact that I do not love my job by any stretch of the imagination. I’m already sketching out plans in my little brain of what I’ll do with my time off. So if I know losing my job will ultimately be a good thing, why am I so fucking freaked out over it? Oh, yeah, because I’m a control freak with no control over this. The worst part is, I have to go to what I consider trustworthy news sources to find out what my employer (for fear of being Dooced, I’ll say it’s a financial firm that rhymes with Fork-and-Manly) is scheming to either save the business, lose the business, or merge with a firm who isn’t going belly up. In fact, I was supposed to work today, but was advised on Friday that the project I have been working on the last three Sunday’s has been canceled. This is what put me into full panic mode. Tomorrow should be interesting……..

So to take my mind off of this nonsense, last night I decided I wanted Indian food regardless of whether or not it fits into my new food deal. I adore Indian food, and I’ve been cooking it for a long time. So over the years I have purchased serving dishes similar to what they use in the Indian food restaurants, you know, so that I can pretend I’m the head chef. Oh shit, did I just say that out loud? You know you all pretend to be a chef or pretend that you have your own cooking show. Don’t tell me you don’t. And if you really don’t do that, you should try it. It’s fun. But make sure you get those you’re cooking for to call you “chef”. It really helps get you in the groove. Here’s what I came up with, please notice the silver bowl for the rice; it’s one of my favorite finds. Also, please note the authenticity of the rice. Saffron threads, whole cumin seeds and peas. The real deal! Only I didn’t toast the cumin seeds before hand. Oh, and I should have served a mango lassi or Taj Mahal beer, but a glass (or three) of Shiraz worked just as well.

Indian food = peace

Changin’ it up, for now.

First of all, note to self: Start carrying around a notebook so that you don’t forget the 500 things that go through your mind in a day that you’d like to blog about. But don’t blog about them all, pick and choose, else you’ll bore the nice people who actually take the time to read what you have to say.

AND, please, if you haven’t already, please see this for the most amazing thing anyone has ever said and/or written about me to my knowledge. This is a true story, don’t be surprised if you see this on the Lifetime channel one day. I don’t think I can or should elaborate because she says it best. But I am forever grateful to this woman, who bullied talked me into blogging after finding me on the webs after being out of touch for 19 or so years. I love you Bunnie, and without you none of this would have happened! You truly are the Goddess of Social Media and old friend and great blog hooker-upper! (not a hooker, please don’t misread this).

Now that that’s out of the way, you may or may not have noticed I changed the Title of my blog, from What’s for dinner, to what’s NOT for dinner. Drastic, I know! The thing is, this new diet food agenda, has put me in a bit of a stump as far as cooking for the family, but only temporarily I guarantee you. Lately I have been uninspired to cook, partially because I’m re-training myself to eat the way that benefits me and my desired weight, and partially because 90% of what I cook, or want to cook, is not appreciated by anyone except for me and the hubs. And even that is debatable. The kids? They would eat a ground shit burger with toe jam sauce and be content. As hard as I try, and want them to eat well, and learn about what good food really is, they don’t want to know. Especially from me, and yes, that is another story for a therapist and yes, I’m looking for one right this minute.

Oh, and for the “Among other things” segment of my blog, I’d like to report that thanks in large part to the deregulation of the greedy sons of bitches on Wall Street and the banking industry in general, one of my 401K’s has dropped oh, a good 50% now in the last few month. 23% just yesterday. I understand the consequences of investing, both positive and negative. But now I fully understand the consequences of investing in a market that has been deregulated by our government. No different than handing a kid a 5 dollar bill and saying, “Here you go, run in there, it’s all yours, no one’s watching, and later, if you get caught, someone else will take the fall.” I’m no good at analogy’s but you get my drift. Work has been scary to say the least. Shit, they bought me lunch today for the first time in I don’t know how long. Perhaps to soften the blow. I don’t really know.

Alright, the good news is, I’ve lost 8 pounds. 8 pounds! The strange thing is, I don’t feel it, I don’t look 8 pounds thinner, but mentally I feel 8 pounds lighter. AND, I found my Treadclimber with a story (see previous post if you have no idea wtf I’m talking about), but I was too chicken shit to find out the juicy details behind my new toy. “Jen”, who was the seller of this magnificent sweat machine, was so nice, told me that she was getting rid of it because she was going through a divorce and was living in an apartment and had no room for it. Jason and I met her at her grandparents house where she was storing it, and God damn if she wasn’t the nicest (and skinniest) woman I’ve met in a long time (and I’m pretty sure she was my age or close to it!)

So here’s to Bunnie and Amy and Jen, and my new Treadclimber, and to finding new ways to cook stuff I love to cook! (Take a shot of your favorite beverage, please)

Reflecting, losing weight, and advice. Need some.

On September 11th, 2001, my daughter turned two months old. I was on maternity leave, loving being a mom, but still scared to death about it. I was still coming to terms with the fact that I was responsible for the life of this little human being. I was breast feeding her when I turned on the TV and watched the unbelievable events unfold, and suddenly I was unable to feed her, at least from my body. As if I wasn’t feeling scared enough about keeping this baby alive, I asked myself “What kind of world have I brought her into?” All the crazy thoughts that go along with being a mother for the first time intermingled with this national disaster, of which we knew nothing about yet, was extremely hard for me to reconcile. I got my sister on the phone, we conferenced in my mom, and talked and cried while we watched the 2nd plane hit. I called work to see if anyone from my office was visiting HQ at the time (our HQ was at the WTC), and sure enough there were two colleagues there, but thankfully both escaped unharmed. The days that followed were surreal. I live near a small airport, and was used to hearing small planes overhead, all the time. The silence became awkward and scary almost. And then I remember when they were allowed to fly again, I felt nervous and sick to my stomach when I saw the commercial planes start their descent. A feeling that I have yet to shake. In 2004, I went to New York on business and had a chance to see Ground Zero. I never had the fortune of seeing the towers in person, but NOT seeing them there, and seeing some nearby buildings that were still damaged and being repaired was something I will never forget. I will never forget any of it. I can’t imagine that any of us ever will.

On a lighter note, I quit the detox phase of my weight-loss plan on Monday. I only lasted the three required days, and at that, I barely made it!! I said that was the easy part, didn’t I? Yep, I did, my last post said “easy”. WTF? It was easy four years ago. It was not easy this time around. I started on Saturday and ended up with a huge headache Monday night. And I was so extremely irritable, I would have felt better if someone poured jalapeno juice in my eyeballs. I don’t know what caused it.. I imagine it was carb withdrawal because I ate plenty o’ food. I feel really good so far, and as of today I’ve lost 5 of the 17 total I want to take off. Yay! Need to step up the exercise routine.. Wii fit isn’t quite cutting it, so I’m going to look for a Tread Climber.. those fuckers are expensive, so I’m going to check Craig’s List and KSL.com for some poor schmuck who paid full price and now needs to get rid of it because his wife left him for another woman. Or something like that. A used Tread Climber with a story, that’s what I want.

And last but not least, I need some advice about Commenting. I’m new to this (duh, as if it isn’t obvious), and I want to know if it’s proper etiquette that I comment on the comments people leave on my blog. I love comments, I LIVE for comments, and I notice that a lot of bloggers comment on comments and I wonder if I should be doing so as well. I’m happy either way. I just want to know.

Detoxing feels good, sorta

Over the last couple of months, I have gotten very uncomfortable in my own skin. And my pants. I am gaining weight like crazy and it’s making me feel absolutely horrible. Last weekend I ended up spending a couple hundred bucks on new clothes because I can’t button buttons anymore. I want to say the weight gain started as a result of not sleeping at night. Last year at this time, I was getting up at 5 a.m. and working out for an hour in my basement. Those days are so over, because I find it physically impossible to get up at 5am because I don’t fucking sleep. So, vicious circle, don’t exercise because I can’t sleep, and I can’t sleep because I don’t exercise. It’s NOT FAIR!! Anyway, when I had Ryleigh 7 years ago, I had a really hard time losing the last 20 pounds (I gained way too much weight). So, I heard about a clinic in town that does a program that includes weekly vitamin B6/B12/HCG injections, monthly visits with a nutritionist, and if your BMI dictates, and if you choose, you can also be given a prescription for an appetite suppressant. It was highly motivating for me, I lost all the weight, and then some. I reached my goal and I was in the best shape of my life. I joined a gym, I got to the point where I could walk around in a freaking bikini and feel totally hot, I felt so good. This lasted for several years. I kept the weight off, only fluctuating about 10 pounds or so from year to year, until this year. So, I went back at the clinic last night, and I feel really motivated to make a change. Not just in my eating habits (which frankly, aren’t the problem), but in other habits.. the worst being I LIKE TO DRINK WHEN I COOK. This is going to be the big challenge for me, because me thinks this may be a huge part of the weight gain. I wasn’t going to get into bad habits here (it’s so damn personal), but I feel like if I say it out loud it makes it more real. The reality of it is, no more drinking wine, or gin n coke every time I throw a frying pan on the stove.

That being said, the detox phase lasts anywhere from 3 to 17 days, it’s up to me. It’s not the worst thing in the world, it’s lots of lean protein and raw veggies; lots of water of course, and 2 oranges a day. I can do this part.. this is easy. It’s shifting my way of thinking about food, and about my health that is going to be the challenge. But since I’ve done it before and was super successful the first time around, I feel confident I can do it again, and this time stick with it for life. I’m going back to the clinic on Monday to go over the results of the body test they gave me on Friday. I know I’ll qualify for the appetite suppressant drugs.. BRING IT ON! And I’ll see how the next few days of detox go and decide after Monday if I want to keep going or not. Tonight I made a spinach salad with some purple onion and mini sweet peppers, and flounder fillets with fresh garlic and ginger. AND NO WINE, AND NO GIN AND NO VODKA. It was still pretty good…

No politics on my blog.. except for now. And hummus.

I’m not going to get into anything serious in regards to politics on my blog, but for right now, I have to get this off my chest:  I consider myself an Independent because I could never fully back either party, although I mostly swing towards the Democratic side.  And I swing that way for two big reasons.  Number one being that I have 2 gay brothers.  TWO of them.  They are both Americans, who work, and pay taxes just like us heteros, but are not granted the same rights as we are.  That, my friends, is COMPLETE BULLSHIT.  And when I hear the fucking shit about “preserving the sanctity of marriage” in the context of opposition of same-sex marraige, I want to freaking punch someone in the god damn face.  Let’s face it.. anyone who cheats on their spouse is denouncing the “sanctity of marraige”, right?  So let’s get that shit straight once and for all.  I know more gay couples who are more deserving of children than a lot of heteros who already have children. They are not only financially responsible, but they are more stable in their relationship than a lot of straight couples I know, who already have children.  Why are they being denied the same benefits?  Because the GOP considers it a moral issue, rather than a human issue.  Yeah?  Fuck you. 

Number 2 reason why I could not vote for the GOP (grand old party, my ass..) is that I believe in my right to choose.  That will never waver.  I have never had to exercise that right, and for that I am grateful, but I know plenty of women who have.  This is no ones business except for the person who is in this position.  And for anyone out there who thinks that abortion is a form of birth control, they are sick and twisted, and may one day face their own demons.  That is their choice, not the choice of the douche bags in Washington.  And for the women out there who think that abortion is an abomination, here’s a novel idea..   DON’T FUCKING HAVE ONE! AND DON’T TELL ME, OR ANYONE ELSE WHO MAKES THAT CHOICE, THAT THEY ARE WRONG BECAUSE IT’S NOT YOUR BUSINESS.  Whew.  Ok, enough said about that. Please don’t hate me.

I watched the RNC to the best of my ability, because my brother told me that “It’s only fair”.  And he is leaning towards an Obama vote for sure, but he likes to keep the peace, so I did it for him.  I can’t say that I’m glad I watched it, because it did nothing for me.  Nothing.  Sure, I completely appreciate McCains service to our country.. I would never deny it.  But it does not make him a better candidate for president.  Pretty much, I wish I could go to sleep until it’s time to vote, and then wake up when it’s all over.  And then decide if I want to remain in this country as a citizen or not.. because my discontent has grown ever since Bush Jr. was elected.  It’s grown into a discontent I never thought I would feel about my country.. I never thought I would feel this passionately about politics, but this election has stirred something in me, and I think in large part it has to do with my family situation, and also that I want my children to grow up in a free society.  Free for everyone, not just heterosexuals, and not just right-wing christian conservatives.  Whew. Ok, again, please don’t hate me.  I needed to get that out and now I feel better. 

And now it’s time to cleanse your palate..  please take a shot of something, or have a bite of sorbet, because while all of this bullshit was going on, I made a kick-ass dinner.  A delightful curry with rice noodles, and I also made a roasted red pepper hummus for a silly pot-luck at work tomorrow.  If you hate curry or hummus, please don’t hate me.